“I love you so much.” Whispered softly in your ear matched with a hug or a cuddle with a tight squeeze and a kiss on the Memorial Day remember our fallen heroes shirt But I will love this forehead shows a genuine love and care. To me, those are the two meanings behind “I love you so much” that I have used in my life. Both are a pure expression of love, and both have intense, beautiful meanings. The “really” is meant as emphasis, or need-you-to-believe. Now there are two things you may not know, from the statement itself: What does “love” mean to him? What is love made of, what is its shape and substance? What does love need, and give? What are the things love can’t take? What would love never do? What love do we agree in? Your ideas of love will differ. They do not have to be exactly the same, in every or even any particular. What matters is the area of overlap between you. In that overlap, there must be enough shared that each of you gets what you need love to be. A common fund you feed into and draw upon, strength to grow on and in. Exploring the areas of non-overlap will be a wonderful discovery! But you live at its shared core. Your love must have enough inner compatibility to find together and work through and deeper in. To root and grow and intertwine. The answers to those questions about love (and there are many other pertinent questions) are different for everyone. They are drawn in and built up in early childhood, family interactions, ideas gleaned from movies and storybooks, from adults you see “in love” as a child, providing good and bad models. They burst into evolution and wild development into and through our early experiences with love – daring failures, spectacular embarrassments, chances lost to hesitation, disappointments, cowardice and courage, and if we’re lucky: triumphs. Summits scaled and conquered. The real joyous work of love discovered, and hopefully ourselves thrown into it heart-first. Boundaries found and cherished. Surfacing flaws and difficulties resented. And when it all fails, crushing loss.
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No, love is not a thing that “shouldn’t have to be talked about” – not unless you want each of you to live in growing doubt and unpredictable random hurt from stumbling over invisible obstacle, cut by the Memorial Day remember our fallen heroes shirt But I will love this jagged parts that stick out where your fit is not-quite. Where you misfit. These things can be found out, understood – and once understood, accepted. Incorporated into how the other works. Loved, because it is an understood part of the one you love. When we face and deal with things, we no longer hold against the other their blameless needs and harmless expectations. When we know them, and know how these things fit in them and what they mean, the only give us cause to grow. They only increase our reach.